Online Dating Profiles – Less is More

By on May 22, 2013 in Online Dating Profiles

cartoon birthday present

A Weak Online Dating Profile

The other day one of my female friends showed me the online dating profile of a guy she’d been out with. One look at his profile and you could tell that he was desperate for a date – not a good sign.

His main mistake was to spell out all of his personality traits, turn-ons, turn-offs and what he was looking for in excruciating detail. I’m paraphrasing, but it was stuff like:

I have a real zest for life. I believe life should be for living, that we shouldn’t dwell on things but move forward and have fun. Living in the moment is crucial I think…

I like people who examine themselves and work out how they can improve themselves and their life. If you’re into self-help and self-improvement that would be a real bonus. I love spending time with people who are always looking to get better…

It’s really important to me that people can laugh at themselves. I don’t take life too seriously. I love life and everything it has to offer. I think it’s important to be positive, to add value to people and make the most of everyday…

I don’t doubt that all of these things are true, and he’s definitely on the right track. But honestly man, we got the gist of it from the first sentence! The problem isn’t the quality of the ideas as much as the quantity; a great online dating profile should give a peek into your persona, not spell out everything over and over again.

How to Do Better

We always say this, whether it’s on this blog, our twitter feed or when working one-to-one with clients: show, don’t tell. Instead of telling the reader about yourself, show. Instead of saying “I’m quite introspective”, try something like:

I know it’s a bit geeky, but I love my diary. I find it really cathartic at the end of a busy day to sit down and look at what happened; it’s like I’m a star in my own TV show. When I think back over the day, and everything that happened, I realise how much I got done and what a fantastic live I have…

So don’t be too explicit and don’t give it all away!

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Why You Should Delete Your Apps

By on May 21, 2013 in Psychology
cartoon running man

Image courtesy of Christian Ferrari

A Tale of Two Texts

A couple of days ago I was sitting in the garden with the Sunday papers when a couple of texts beeped through at the same time.

Curious, but not especially excited, I rolled the iPhone into my left hand. Two texts, one from an old friend and one from Runtastic (an app which tracks your training runs). I went to the old friend first: an invite to a golf day in July.

After noting the date in my diary, I went in search of the message from Runtastic. Secretly, I knew what it was going to say, something like: Well done! You’ve completed seven runs this week and covered 18 miles – keep up the good work.

A Lost Message -> Doug Gets Angry

But when I went back into my inbox to read the message, I couldn’t find it. I looked everywhere in my phone. I went into the app itself to see if I could find something there – no luck! I even googled “lost messages” to see if I could work out why the message had disappeared and how I could get it back.

Then I stopped. I stopped and had a good think. What on earth was I doing? I was trying to find a message telling me I’d done well, sent by a piece of computer software, for something I already knew I’d done well.

It was absolute madness, and it was all driven by my need to feel good about myself. I wanted the recognition of having gone for a few runs. I didn’t care that it was an automated response from a machine. I wanted it to be impressed.

The Danger of Trying to Impress

We all crave recognition, someone to say we’ve done well. This is natural, but it’s also really dangerous, especially in the pursuit of an ideal love life.

A lot of guys who come to us for coaching fall into the trap of trying to impress people:

1. On the course. They want to impress us, even though we’re just there to help them and it really makes no difference if we think they’ve done “well” or “badly”.
2. On nights out. They often don’t approach girls they like, because they’re worried about letting themselves down in front of their mates.
3. Talking to girls. They want to impress the girl they’re talking to. They end up trying too hard or using “gamey” techniques which can easily annoy people.

If your motivation is to impress you will never succeed.

Another example. A lot of guys enjoy approaching women during the day because they know other people think they’re brave for doing it. As it happens, they are being brave. But if your primary motivation is to impress whoever’s watching, you’re in trouble the next time you see a girl you like when you’re on your own.

If you want consistency in this area you need to be able to approach women when you’re on your own, when there’s no one there to impress. Your motivation needs to be meeting and getting to know new people, and bringing them into your life.

How Do You Get Validated?

For as long as you want to impress other people (or iPhone applications), you’re always going to need to get your validation from the outside world.

The goal is to be “internally validated”, to feel happy and content with your own achievements. It should have been enough for me to know that I went for a run every day for a week; I shouldn’t have needed someone (or something) else to tell me that I’d done well.

The need to be recognised and praised is a very human trait, but one terribly at odds with a happy and attractive life. When you approach women, don’t look for the “well done”; just be satisfied that you did your best.

Interested in online dating? Check out our fully-personalised online dating profile re-write service. We'll help you write a really compelling profile, choose the best pictures, eliminate spelling and grammar mistakes and ensure your profile stands out from the crowd.

Book Review – The Slight Edge

By on May 20, 2013 in Best Pick Up Books
Best pick up books

Image courtesy of Svilen Milev

The Case for Self-Help Literature

The Slight Edge is an American self-help book written by a guy called Jeff Olson. In the UK we’re extremely sceptical about this type of book and for good reason: there’s a lot of obvious, empty and probably counter-productive advice out there.

I do like reading them though, all the Rich Dad Poor Dad and Anthony Robbins stuff. It’s usually pretty self-evident: save money, work hard, seek failure to grow etc. But I enjoy the positivity and there’s something about reading a message, no matter how obvious, which seems to make it sink in.

The Slight Edge: Little And Often

The Slight Edge has a simple message: small things done consistently lead to success. Olson talks about reading ten pages of a good book every day or doing a few minutes of exercise. He uses the example of compound interest: exponential growth may be frustratingly slow at first, but it soon yields enormous reults.

The style is very cheesy self-help, but on some level it’s definitely helped me take action. Until a few months ago, I don’t think I’d ever gone running more than three or four times in any week. Since reading this book I’ve run every day for the last ten days.

The message is so simple, so clear and so blatant that you can’t ignore it: do the right stuff regularly and succeed, or do the wrong stuff and fail.

The Slight Edge and Approaching Women

It isn’t difficult to link this to meeting women. If you go and say hello to one woman a day – every day – you’ll introduce yourself to 365 women this year. One date per twenty approaches is a decent estimate; if you approach one girl every day, that’s fifteen or twenty dates a year – from something that costs you a couple of minutes!

You don’t need a degree in Computer Science to realise how many dates you could go on if you approach two or three women a day.

Olson hypothesises than most people fail by not taking action, not because there’s anything wrong with them. His book is also full of ways of promoting the Slight Edge, and has some good arguments about how employ it, although it’s mainly motivational. Highly recommended.

(Please note, we have no affiliate program with amazon)

Interested in online dating? Check out our fully-personalised online dating profile re-write service. We'll help you write a really compelling profile, choose the best pictures, eliminate spelling and grammar mistakes and ensure your profile stands out from the crowd.

A Really Simple Trick for Starting Conversations

By on May 18, 2013 in Conversation Starters
couple on beach

Image courtesy of Harry Fung

The Just Tell Her Approach

We make no secret on this blog that we favour the Just Tell Her method wherever possible. We think the best way to approach a girl you like is almost always to be direct, honest and authentic.

In general, if you see a girl you’re attracted to, just go and tell her. You’ll be really surprised how well it goes (most of the time!).

But sometimes, the Just Tell Her model isn’t really appropriate. There are times where a more circumspect approach works better.

When You Can’t “Just Tell Her”

1. Social circle. If the girl you like is a friend (or even a friend-of-a-friend) it’s a bit risky to just tell her you’re interested. It could make things awkward the next time you guys are all at a party together, for example.

2. Near where you live. One of the great things about approaching random girls is that you never have to see them again if things don’t go smoothly. It’s a bit more tricky if you’re approaching her near your place; if you’ve just laid everything on the line, you’d rather not run into her again if possible.

3. In a shop/restaurant. Being too direct isn’t a great idea in any environment where the girl can’t get away if she’s not interested. If she’s eating or shopping, a Just Tell Her approach can put her in an awkward situation: she might not want to talk to you, but she can’t really just leave.

Starting Conversations – The Low-Risk Method

In these situations, start the conversation with something really simple. The easiest thing to do is just her her a question, or for some advice or help:

1. In a coffee shop. “Excuse me, would you mind watching my laptop? I’m just going to get some milk…”

2. In a department store. “Do you have the time? I left my mobile at home…”

3. On the street. “Hey, you look like you’re from around here. Do you know where the HMV is…

Unless she’s really unfriendly, you’ll get a response of one kind or another. Now it’s just a case of choosing how to take things forward.

What to Say Next

If you get a cold response, no harm done. Just walk on, or take your seat away from here and read the paper.

If you get a warm response (she smiles, she answers at length, her body language suggests she’d like to carry on talking…) then you’ll feel much more confident giving her a compliment.

Option 1. You can either do this as if it’s just occurred to you:

You: Excuse me, would you mind watching my laptop? I’m just going to get some milk…
Girl: Not at all!
You: Thanks! What a treat to finally talk to someone friendly in London…
Girl: Oh I’m always friendly!
You: You know what, you’re also very cute…

Option 2. Or you can admit that asking her to watch your laptop / tell you the time… was just an excuse:

You: Excuse me, would you mind watching my laptop? I’m just going to get some milk…
Girl: Not at all!
You: Thanks! What a treat to finally talk to someone friendly in London…
Girl: Oh I’m always friendly!
You: You know what, I don’t even have milk in my coffee. I just thought you looked really nice, but I couldn’t think of a way to start a conversation with you! I’m Alex…

Interested in online dating? Check out our fully-personalised online dating profile re-write service. We'll help you write a really compelling profile, choose the best pictures, eliminate spelling and grammar mistakes and ensure your profile stands out from the crowd.

What Yoda Can Teach You About Approaching Women

By on May 17, 2013 in Confidence
Tie fighter star wars

Image courtesy of Aksoy

Do. Or do not. There is no try…

- Yoda, Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Watch the clip here

Yoda, the little Jedi Master who teaches our hero (Luke Skywalker) the ways of The Force, is one of the most beloved characters in the Star Wars universe. In this short article, I’m going to explain how his wisdom can help you feel more relaxed and confident when you approach women.

Which Yoda Do You Mean?

I should clarify that it’s the Yoda of Episode V (and not the Yoda of the prequels) that I’m talking about.

The Yoda character is one of the (many) things George Lucas got wrong with the Star Wars prequels – in particular with Yoda’s relationship with The Force. His mastery of The Force never required effort. It required – it depended on – harmony and peace and relaxation.

A few minutes after the iconic “do or do not” speech, Yoda lifts Luke’s crashed ship out of the swamps of Dedobah (the task that Luke had earlier “tried” to do). He’s totally at peace: he’s calm; his eyes are closed; he’s breathing slowly.

No Yoda Worthy of the Name

Compare with this scene from Episode II: Attack of the Clones, where Yoda strains to deal with Count Dooku’s rocks and Force Lightning:

Watch the clip here (skip to 2:30)

Yoda’s face contorts with effort as he tries to stop the rocks falling on his friends. He tenses his muscles and furrows his brow in order to repel the force lightning.

Yoda would never do this! You don’t have to try to use the force. As Obi-Wan says, “The force is an energy field created by all living things, it surrounds us, it penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together… a Jedi can feel the Force flowing through him”.

To conclude, listen to the Yoda who said “do or do not, there is not try”, not the imposter from the prequels.

Yoda and Approaching Women

So what’s this got to do with approaching women?

The Yoda in Episode V had it right. You do your best when you don’t strain. When you don’t tense. When you don’t worry. When you don’t try.

When you approach women, don’t strain. Don’t tense. Don’t try. Be like Yoda (the real Yoda of Episode V). Relax. Breathe. Smile. Let go.

Don’t push yourself into the approach. Don’t worry about being “in state” or in the zone. Don’t worry about what to say. Don’t try to impress her. Don’t try.

Go over and say hello.

Interested in online dating? Check out our fully-personalised online dating profile re-write service. We'll help you write a really compelling profile, choose the best pictures, eliminate spelling and grammar mistakes and ensure your profile stands out from the crowd.

How NOT to Text a Girl

By on May 16, 2013 in Text and Phone

I’ve already tipped up this article via our twitter feed but I want to take another opportunity to recommend it.

It’s a series of screenshots from a text conversation between a guy and a girl. They’ve just been on a date and he screws up the texts so badly that, by the end, you can hardly bear to look.

This is everything you shouldn’t be doing when texting a girl in the early stages. He writes too much; he over-invests; he freaks her out. Check it out here

Interested in online dating? Check out our fully-personalised online dating profile re-write service. We'll help you write a really compelling profile, choose the best pictures, eliminate spelling and grammar mistakes and ensure your profile stands out from the crowd.

Over 50’s Online Dating – My Lovely Parent

By on May 15, 2013 in Online Dating Tips
cartoon couple with hearts

Image courtesy of Cécile Graat

Online Dating for the Over 50s

The other day I was doing some research on online dating for the over 50s. We’re getting more and more online dating clients in this age range, and most of them aren’t all that impressed with the sites out there.

I like the look of a company called My Lovely Parent. It’s a site where children (or adults I guess) recommend their parents for online dating.

Whether we like it or not, online dating still carries a certain stigma. Although many people meet online – and the UK industry alone is worth over three billion pounds – some people are still hesitant to give it a go. There’s a particular reluctance for the older generation, who are also less likely to be tech savvy and au fait with the world of online dating.

My Lovely Parent

My Lovely Parent allows people to put up a profile for their Mum or Dad and then look around the site to recommend potential matches. It’s a neat idea to mobilise a more tech savvy generation to get their parents involved in the process.

This kind of ‘peer recommendation’ system has worked incredibly well for My Single Friend which, as the name suggests, allows people to recommend their single friends.

The challenge facing any new dating site is to build the scale of the network so that consumers have enough choice. With some monster players already firmly established in the market, it will always be hard for the new boys to gain any traction.

I do like the idea and I wish the guys at My Lovely Parent the best of luck with a very cool idea.

Interested in online dating? Check out our fully-personalised online dating profile re-write service. We'll help you write a really compelling profile, choose the best pictures, eliminate spelling and grammar mistakes and ensure your profile stands out from the crowd.

Books I’ve Been Reading: May 2013

By on May 14, 2013 in Best Pick Up Books
Best pick up books

Image courtesy of Svilen Milev

5 Books Worth Reading

1. Hank Haney, The Big Miss. I seem to use a golf analogy on this blog every few weeks (here, here, here etc…) and so it’s no surprise that I loved this book, written by Tiger Woods’ previous coach about their five years working together.

If you have absolutely no interest in golf, it’ll probably drag a bit. But there’s lots of interesting psychological insights into peak performance that will serve you just as well on the dance floor as on the range.

2. Frederick Forsyth, The Cobra. I spend a lot of time in airports and tend to burn through trashy thriller novels as if they were gossip mags. But Forsyth is a cut above the usual crowd (his The Day Of The Jackal is amazing).

The Cobra wasn’t one of his best, I’m afraid. After an intriguing set-up (ex-special-forces superstar recruits a crack team to wipe out the Columbian drug trade) it quickly descends into boring descriptions of boat-seizures and aeroplane engine specifications. One to borrow from the library rather than buy.

3. Chris Cooper, Run, Swim, Throw, Cheat. My mate Pegasus lent me this book about the use of drugs in top level sport. I actually found it more useful as a how-to guide to optimise performance, with plenty of good (legal) tips on training, nutrition and psychology.

4. Niklas Modig, This is Lean. This book is like the modern, slimline brother to Eliyahu M. Goldratt’s The Goal (reviewed yesterday). Plenty of good advice on how to live your life efficiently, without being weighted down by clutter and “stuff”. It’s also worth noting that it’s an extremely handsome book and will look very cool on your bookshelf.

5. Nate Silver, The Signal and the Noise. One of the best books I’ve ever read on how to think clearly and rationally when presented with data (another being Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking, Fast and Slow) Silver’s book should be required reading in every high school maths class (surely we can lose trigonometry?).

Silver’s book will help you understand randomness, remain humble in the face of over-specific predictions and might even win you some money at the poker tables (if you’re that way inclined).

Interested in online dating? Check out our fully-personalised online dating profile re-write service. We'll help you write a really compelling profile, choose the best pictures, eliminate spelling and grammar mistakes and ensure your profile stands out from the crowd.

Books I’ve Been Reading: April 2013

By on May 13, 2013 in Best Pick Up Books
Best pick up books

Image courtesy of Svilen Milev

5 Books Worth Reading

1. Ben Lopez, The Negotiator. Lopez spent 17 years bargaining with hostage takers and his story is plenty of fun in its own right. But it’s also a handy little book for teaching us about handling stress. Obviously the stress Lopez writes about concerns pirates, torture and flying bullets. But we can apply the lessons to dealing with the stress of approaching women.

A few quick tips (it really is worth reading the whole thing):

A. Keep breathing. However stressed you feel, keep your breathing smooth and steady. It will calm you down and ensure you get enough oxygen to your brain.

B. Maintain eye contact. Whether you’re facing off against a kidnapper with a gun or an intimidatingly beautiful woman, don’t be tempted to break eye contact. Eye contact humanises us, establishes rapport and makes us feel better towards the other person.

C. Learn to live with “The Wait”. “The Wait” is the awful period of anxiety (sometimes measured in weeks rather than days) where the family has to sit and wait for the kidnappers’ response. As I was reading, I couldn’t help thinking of waiting for a girl to text back…

D. Study psychology. Lopez says: “If you’re a carpenter, it behoves you to know about how nails and wood and glue work together.” When it comes to relationships, your raw material is people, so do your homework.

2. Eliyahu M. Goldratt, The Goal. I picked this book up at the second-hand book market on the Southbank because it looked fun and I’ve got a soft spot for business books. It was only after I finished it that I learned The Goal is a seminal text on the art and science of operations and efficiency.

Approaching your love life in the most efficient way possible might sound cold and unromantic. But it makes sense: you’ve only got a finite number of days on this earth, so make the most of them. That might mean setting aside time to approach women, or re-thinking the kind of bars you go to based on the type of person you’d like to meet.

3. Robert Harris, The Fear Index. Very little here to help you feel more confident around the opposite sex, but this is an above average airport thriller that I picked up while waiting for a flight home from Dublin. It drags a bit by the end, but the twist appealed to me and it had some good trader-banter that made me smile.

4. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall. I actually wrote a post a few months ago under the heading Dating Advice for Women – Learn from Arnie with some tips for our female readers. It’d be just as helpful for guys too, I think. Arnie’s clearly got a chequered past, but there’s no doubt he’s an alpha male and a success story.

His tips at the end of the book (“Don’t overthink… Never let pride get in your way… Reps, reps, reps…”) could have been written specifically about approaching women.

5. Jonah Keri, The Extra 2%. Written in the Moneyball vein, this book tells the story of the 2008 Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who outstayed the mighty (and fantastically rich) Yankees and Red Sox to win the American League East division (in the process landing me my biggest ever gambling win at the time).

The book is full of wisdom on how to make the most of limited assets, and I think the astute reader could definitely glean some tips on interacting with the opposite sex.

Interested in online dating? Check out our fully-personalised online dating profile re-write service. We'll help you write a really compelling profile, choose the best pictures, eliminate spelling and grammar mistakes and ensure your profile stands out from the crowd.

Online Dating Profile for Men – The Chef

By on May 12, 2013 in Online Dating Profiles
online dating profile examples for men

Image courtesy of Bartek Ambrozik

We have plenty of articles on this blog with advice on how to write great online dating profiles. But we still get lots of e-mails asking us for online dating profile examples for men. So in this mini-series of articles we’ll feature some archetypes and how a good profile might look for them.

Online Dating Profile Examples for Men – The Chef

Ever since I was a kid I’ve loved making food, which is strange because I don’t actually eat a lot. When I was younger, I lived on a farm with my parents and we had all this really nice fresh produce and a massive kitchen – I’d spend hours sitting in the kitchen thinking up new ways to put the food together, a bit like it was a puzzle.

I work now in a West End restaurant as the head chef and every day is like being in my parents’ kitchen. I just love the process of making great food. It’s not the most conducive job to a social life though, seeing as I’m always working when people are out socialising, which is why I thought I’d give online dating a try.

I’m currently raising funds to buy my own restaurant. Everyone has warned me against it, told me that it’s stupid and that many restaurants don’t survive the first few months… I know all that stuff, but I know I’m going to make an amazing restaurant.

In the past, my relationships have suffered a bit because of my job and the hours it involves, but it’s my passion so I can’t give it up. I’d love to meet a girl whose ambition is to start her own business, someone who can really understand where I’m coming from.

In my downtime I really like watching films from all over the world. I enjoy finding good films as much as I do watching them. I love coming across small independent foreign films – searching the internet for a film that makes me see life in a different way.

There are so many stories out there to be told, and film is a great way to really empathise with the people who went through it. I once saw this Danish film that had the most amazing ending. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I got in touch with the PhD student who’d made it and ended up meeting her in her home town to talk about it.

I’d like to meet someone who understands the pressures of being weighed down by a dream, but who understands that the dream can’t be compromised. A generic life sitting around watching DVD box sets and going to the theatre on a Friday night isn’t really for me.

Interested in online dating? Check out our fully-personalised online dating profile re-write service. We'll help you write a really compelling profile, choose the best pictures, eliminate spelling and grammar mistakes and ensure your profile stands out from the crowd.