How Not to Kiss a Girl

Image courtesy of Sebastian Danon

I don’t know if it’s something to do with the time of year, but we’ve had a load of e-mails in the last few weeks asking us how to kiss girls.

Well there’s some good advice on this blog on how to kiss a girl already, so instead today I’m going to tell you how NOT to kiss a girl. I’m going to tell you a story of a time I failed to kiss the girl, even though I had everything on my side.

I hope you learn something from it and avoid my mistakes in your own dating. There are a couple of tips on how to kiss a girl at the bottom if you’re in a rush.

My University Crush

I saw her every day in the halls of my university. She had a cheeky glint in her eye and she walked around in pyjamas no matter what time of the day it was. Every time I saw her I struggled for composure:

Doug: Hi Claire, h h how are you today?
Claire: Really good. I like your hair today.
Doug: Oh thanks, I’ve used a new product.
Claire: Right.
Doug: Erm, your hair looks nice too.
Claire: Have a good day.

She had a way of making me feel like a little boy. Sometimes she’d look at me with these huge come-to-bed eyes and I would swear she was playing with me. Throughout my first year she remained my predominant fantasy.

It wasn’t that she was stunning – I mean she was cute, but every time I saw her I got this shot of adrenaline and it never went way. I would swear there was something between us but she somehow held all the power and I felt like I was waiting for her to give me an opportunity.

The Opportunity

After a mind-numbing four weeks of revision over Easter, I was enjoying letting off some steam on a night out with a few friends from football. I wasn’t even thinking about women that night; this was back in my drinking days and my main priority was to get absolutely obliterated.

I was almost disappointed when I saw Claire; I knew as soon as I saw her that I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else. Feeling the effects of a few vodka Red Bulls, I decided that if I couldn’t beat her I’d have to join her.

Doug: Hello Claire, did you have a nice Easter?
Claire: Hey Doug, nice to see you.
Doug: What are you up to this evening?
Claire: Just out with a few mates from my course.
Doug: You’re looking pretty cute after the hols- been working out?
Claire: You mean I didn’t look cute before the holidays?
Doug: Cute before, cute afterwards, always cute…
Claire: Thanks Doug.
Doug: I’m going to head back to my mates. Maybe we can meet up later?
Claire: I’m a bit bored of my friends. Wanna head back now?
Doug: Erm sure. Let me tell them I’m heading off…

It wasn’t the smoothest of approaches, but I could sense as we walked back that something was going to happen. We both had a drunken giddiness which evaporated any awkwardness.

Back in Doug’s Room

Claire was sitting on the bed and I was sitting on my desk chair. I started to feel nervous and excited as we talked away; it crossed my mind that good things really do happen. As a thirty minute chat became an hour-long chat, the gap between us became larger and larger and the two metres started to feel like a huge expanse of space. I desperately wanted to kiss her but I was all of a sudden aware of the need to actually do something.

At that moment I had a call on my phone from one of my friends saying he was lost, had no money and was freezing. In a twisted way I was relived. I had an excuse to go and sort out a problem so I didn’t have to deal with the awkwardness of trying to cross the room and kiss Claire.

Doug: Claire, I have to help out Penners. He’s in a state…
Claire: Ok sure.
Doug: I’ll walk you back to your room.
Claire: Thanks.

As I walked her back I started to feel a little sick and, as I waved goodbye, I felt completely crushed. I had let the chance go! I had messed it up! I was a loser! Even writing these words now makes me feel a little uneasy. It was a complete “open goal” which I bottled out of. It comforts me that I now know exactly what would have worked. Here are a couple of things I could have done to have given myself the best shot at kissing the girl.

Strategy One – “I’m Going to Kiss You”

I could have pre-empted the kiss to add tension while taking the lead. The key to this manoeuvre is to drop the idea of kissing the girl into the comversation and then immediately get off the topic. If you pause after telling the girl you’re going to kiss her, things can quickly become awkward. The mechanics are pretty simple:

Doug: Claire I have to say you are looking irresistibly cute sitting there on my bed!
Claire: Thank you.
Doug: I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to stop myself coming over there to kiss you in a minute.
Claire: (smiling) Ok then…
Doug: Right what were we saying? Oh yes your holiday…

This would have allowed me to gauge her reaction. If it was a good one (which was very likely) it would have given me the confidence to go and kiss her. It would also have created sexual tension between us as she’d be anticipating the kiss.

Strategy Two – Master of Massage

The biggest problem was that we were sat apart from each other. I needed to get proximity to her, which would have made going for the kiss easier and more natural. Then I needed an excuse to start touching her:

Doug: I’m going to come and sit next to you. It looks far more comfortable.
Claire: Sure
Doug: Now, no funny business…
Claire: Ha ha.
Doug: I learnt this cool head massage over the holidays. Want to try?
Claire: Are you trying to seduce me?
Doug: (straight face) Yes.
Claire: Hmm I’m not that easy you know…
Doug: Wait until you have felt my Indian head massage. Right be quiet and lay back.
Claire: If you say so.

Both of us know what’s going on, but a massage acts as the bridge between being friendly and being intimate.

Conclusion

Nothing ever did happen between Claire and me at university. The sexual tension and the spark had gone. I had shown myself to be sexually weak and her fun with me was over. According to Facebook she’s a high flying lawyer in the city now, so perhaps it was a lucky escape after all! Anyway, next time you’re alone with a girl don’t do a Doug and miss the chance to kiss the girl. Use one of these strategies and seduce her.