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I Can’t Approach Her Because…
Every week Doug and I take clients out into central London and help them to start conversations with women. It’s not an easy thing to do. In fact it’s bloody difficult, because every guy to some extent is nervous around women.
It’s very rare, however, to actually hear a guy come out and say that. Instead, he will get really creative with his excuses as to why he shouldn’t approach the girl. Over the years, Doug and I have heard every excuse under the sun. Here are some of the more common ones; I wonder if you’ve ever said or thought them yourself:
1. She looks busy…
2. She’s not my type…
3. She might have a boyfriend…
4. She might be in a conversation…
5. Everyone will see me…
6. She won’t like me…
7. I’ll approach the next one…
The best one I ever heard, though, was from a chap we were coaching last summer. He spotted a cute girl on the South Bank and walked over to start talking to her. Half-way there, he stopped and turned back towards me. “What happened?” I asked. “It was just too windy,” he said.
The Problem with Excuses
If you’re like the excuses guy, I can’t help you. The problem is that I can’t invalidate your excuses. I have no way of knowing if the girl has a boyfriend, or is waiting for someone, or even if she wants to talk to you or not. That’s the magic of approaching women – you just have to jump in there and see what happens.
Even if I could counter your excuses, it wouldn’t help you to approach her. If I manage to counter the first excuse, you’ll just think of another one. I’ll end up arguing about the approach on logistical grounds, and the girl will be long gone by the time we get anywhere.
This is why excuses are so corrosive, both in terms of approaching women and in the wider context of optimising your life. Excuses don’t just prevent you from taking action – they shift the debate away from the core issue of why you’re not approaching women in the first place.
The Only Truth of Approaching Women
Whenever you don’t approach a woman you’re attracted to, there is only ever one reason: you are afraid. It’s not because she’s walking too fast, wearing sunglasses or listening to music. None of these things, in themselves, prevent you approaching her. At that moment, the truth is that you are too afraid to approach her.
Once you admit that you’re afraid, I can help you! Once you admit you’re afraid, you’re 95% of the way there to overcome feeling nervous around women. Now we can work on why you’re afraid; we can play some games to help you feel better; we can think of some openers that remove some of the pressure.
I can explain how we all feel nervous around girls at some time or another, and that it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Saying You’re Nervous Makes You Brave
Although it doesn’t feel like it, saying that you’re afraid is the most confident thing you can say. It takes guts to say that: it takes guts to say that to yourself or (especially) to another man. But once you get it out of the way, you can grow.
Every time you walk past a girl you fancy and don’t approach her, don’t take the coward’s way out. Don’t blame your inaction on circumstance. Look the situation full in the face and admit, on this occasion, that you were too scared to approach her. I guarantee that this will make the next one easier.
And you can even reference your nerves in a favourite opener of mine. Just tell the girl exactly how she’s made you feel: “Wow you’re so cute you’ve made me go all nervous!” You can see just how charming and (strangely) confident it sounds.
