If you want to learn how to become more confident with girls, one of the most important things you can do is learn to empathise with them.
Too many guys get so caught up in the mechanics of approaching women, they forget that they are in a real interaction with a real person. They get so caught up in their own thoughts and worries and anxieties they forget the girl has all these feelings too.
Becoming confident with girls is not really a matter of being super brave or mastering certain seduction skills – it’s about recognising that you and the girl are in it together.
A Quick Digression
Although I like to think of myself as pretty brave, I have a definite weakness when it comes to certain animals. Having lived in South East Asia for three years, I have seen enough cockroaches and rats to last me a lifetime. Even now back in London, and even though I know it isn’t going to hurt me, I still jump around and make very girlie noises when I see a mouse. God knows how I’d react if I was ever confronted with anything really dangerous.
I’ve noticed people always react in the same way when you tell them about a run-in you’ve had with a scary creature. One time a huge rat was lurking in the toilet in my bathroom in Jakarta. It was the middle of the night and he’d crawled up the pipe from outside and was waiting for someone to lift the lid so he could jump out at me. I slammed the lid down and made a very embarrassing squeal and ran back to bed.
Anyway the reaction when I tell people this story is always the same: “Oh come on Alex, he was probably more scared than you.”
I feel like saying: “I don’t ****ing care how he was feeling! A ****ing rat just had a crack at me as I was about to sit down on the loo!”. I want sympathy (and perhaps gasps of amazement at the sort of exotic predicaments I get myself into); all I get is cod anthropomorphism and Discovery Channel cliché.
That’s exactly what they say on the nature shows when they’re trying to help people feel less afraid of some huge bear or hissing snake that’s in their face: he’s probably more scared than you.
She’s More Scared That You
Well call me a hypocrite, but I’m going to give you exactly the same advice when it comes to feeling more confident with girls. She’s probably more scared than you when you approach her.
I know sometimes it feels like the hardest thing in the world to approach a girl. She looks so composed and confident, sipping her drink and smiling and flicking her hair around, and you feel so nervous. It’s like she’s a puzzle to be cracked and has the ability to shoot you down and make you feel terrible. It feels like she’s got her shit together while you’re barely holding it together.
But you actually have everything in your favour. You get to choose which girl to approach and when to approach her; you get to think about what you’re going to say in advance; you know you like her; you know what you want; you are in control.
On the other hand, she’s just going about her business and the next thing she knows she’s having to talk to you, look pretty, sound cool, sound confident, not blush, wish she’d worn her best jeans, wish she’d washed her hair.
You have chosen to approach her because you feel like the scenario is on your side: you’re looking good and you’re about to look even better after you tell a girl that you think she’s cute out of the blue. She’s got every reason to feel more scared than you.
You’re the Man. Act Like It
And let’s not forget: you’re a man and she’s a girl. She’s the emotional one and you’re the stoic; she’s allowed to get flustered while you keep your cool; you are the solid rock and she is the tempestuous sea.
Science has already proved that women are attracted to men who can keep things together when they themselves are feeling scared. The great thing is that the very act of recognising that she’s going to feel nervous is precisely how you’re going to feel more confident yourself.
Rather than trying not to feel scared yourself, think of it as your job to make HER feel more relaxed. Approaching girls is old hat to you but she, poor little thing, is all nervous and flustered.
Instead of trying to be smooth, confident and smiley so as to be more attractive to her, be smooth, confident and smiley to HELP HER relax. Instead of picturing her as a horrible scary Indonesian water rat about to leap out of the loo, imagine she’s a little fluffy animal cowering in a corner as you walk over.
It’s your job not to frighten her. Speak calmly, smile and slow your movements down- she’ll soon calm down and be able to enjoy the conversation